Thursday, October 1, 2009

A Pastime that Everyone can Enjoy

Shooting Beer Cans With a .22 in Texas

Compared to shooting skeet, shooting beer cans with a .22 rifle is more fun, but there are no contests in this sport as far as I know. There’s no better time than now to make a push for its legitimacy.

Perhaps a little explanation is in order. First you need a rifle with a clip that holds fifty rounds or so. Semi-automatic action is to be preferred, but it doesn’t really matter. Once you acquire a gun and plenty of ammo, then you need to find some out of the way property. It is better if you own this land because law enforcement doesn’t take well to shooting guns on public property—let alone shooting on another’s private property.

In this sport the rules are relaxed. They change depending on circumstance, such as which teams are playing and whether it’s summer or winter. However, one inflexible requirement is a case of cheap beer (in cans of course). You may need several cases if there are many players. Seasoned players are best at deciding the proper number of cases. One rule of thumb has it that you do not want more than five or six players per match.

With all these pieces together you are ready to play.

Drive to the venue in the late afternoon and begin drinking. After a few minutes of comraderie (about 15 minutes or so) one of the players must “chunk” an empty can in the pond or what have you. Some sort of standing body of water is good, in that the cans float awaiting a hit, but cans may also be propped up on a log, a ledge, or any sort of precipice. However, this propping up requires more exertion, time and potential danger than “chunking” a can in the water. Besides, it takes away from the pleasures of “chunking.” So water is to be preferred.

Regardless of venue, each player has his or her (sometimes there are female players, but it depends on the team) shot at the can. Meanwhile beers are continually consumed at a relaxed pace in order to replenish the targets. If you get a hit, you can yell “look at that” or “hell yeah” as the can suddenly sinks or flies high into the air. With each hit, the other players offer their “ohs” and “goddams.”

While shooting, there is usually some schlock rock like Def Leppard playing from the speakers of a Ford (or Chevy) pick-up truck. To be sure, the musical choices and automobiles vary. Beer can shooting has been known to take place listening to contemporary indie rock from a BMW. Classic country is a favorite. At one match the Wu Tang Clan serenaded the players. Cigarettes are often smoked to excess, and there is much banter and laughter. The banter is of a lewder sort than that even found in some baseball dugouts. Depending on the teams, there may be illegal recreational drugs, but this is entirely optional because possession of both firearms and drugs can make one mighty fine felony. This is to be avoided.

If all goes well the sun has set by this time, and you are able to contemplate the stars. Wildlife—of the varmint and armadillo variety—appears, and before you know it the cases of beer are gone. Nonetheless, you're still shooting the gun. Someone may pull out a shotgun—say a 20 gauge—but at this point, all players know the game is near its end. Still, it all depends…

Overtime occurs when one player offers to make a "beer run," but this has been known to end in sudden death. It’s a risky move, and good players know whether or not to continue.

In this sport no one wins a medal, but all get drunk. Some even get laid—but this hopefully occurs afterwards.

Note: As with all sports, young ones must be shepherded into the finer points of its play. There are youth leagues that use pellet guns and coke cans. Please take care when dealing with our precious youth. They are the future.

Message from TBC--SSOIL (Texas Beer Can--Shoot the Shit Out of It League)

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